Top Ten Reasons We Are Happy Charley is Blogging Again

Thank goodness, there's been a run on entries at charley's blog.

This is very good, and in fact there are many reasons it's good. Here are the top ten:

10. He introduced us to blogging. Before, Fr Hubby and I would have to email him our top ten lists.
9. It's a nice way to hear his dry wit and humor, since we are no longer in the same 'hood.
8. Someone has to make sure that the telephone and coffee vendors of the world tow the line.
7. I get to hear from Miss Cindy in his comments, and met my Canadian friend michele through his comments.
6. We know he is still alive, and not buried under an avalanche of textbooks.
5. It's nice to see the various template changes he makes on a monthly basis, and wonder what it would be like to have a blogging provider that actually gives you good template choices.
4. We get to keep up with the Courtenia and her grownupness.
3. It's funny to hear such a relatively calm person in real life rant and rave.
2. It's better than nothing, since Mabel Queen of Dog Blogs doesn't blog anymore.
1. It helps us to advise Presidential candidates on their runningmates.

How to Feed a Lot of People

There are some skills I have, and some skills I don't. I am not the girl you want to make your apple pie, I will get hives. Nor am I the girl to balance your checkbook or clean your windows.

But, I am the girl who can feed a lot of people! Here are some of the highlights of how you can make things easier on yourself when feeding a family, youth group, or other bunch of folks.

Shop ahead of time. If the party is on a Sunday, try to get everything by Friday night. This way Saturday can be devoted to food prep and house prep.

Make life easier. It doesn't make sense to drive across town to save $2 on an item. Your gas and your time are too valuable anyway. Buy it where you are buying everything else.

Make a list of your planned food. I hate saying to people who are full and eating dessert "oh, here are some appetizers..." because I forgot to put something out. In the case of a really big party, work out the timetable of what needs to go in the oven when.

Put everyone to work. If there is anyone standing near the kitchen, they are fair game. You will get food on the table sooner if all the hands contribute to getting the food out!
Serve heavy appetizers. This gets people eating, so they are off your back while you are trying to get the food served. Meatballs, chips/veggies and dip, and maybe even a nice platter of cheese and crackers will keep the hunger pangs at bay. If it is a potluck, it is critical that the appetizer person be prompt and/or give you the food the night before.
Serve buffet style. If you try to plate food for everyone, you will go nuts.

Serve "build your own" things. It would take forever to assemble teriyaki burgers for everyone. Then you'll have someone who doesn't want the pineapple, someone who wants extra onions, etc. Have the ingredients out, and let people build it their own favorite way.

Lower your standards. Don't serve the fussy stuff. That's for a candlelight dinner for two. Serve the crowd-pleasing stuff.

Get the best ingredients you can. Plain food, well done - it will never go wrong. A primo ear of corn fresh from the farm will make anyone happy.

Paper plates, paper napkins, heavy plastic utensils. Need I say why? Unless you want a teenage girl sneering at you while they do two mountains of dishes.

OK, I believe this was a list of ten and I didn't even start out trying to make a list of ten. It was only a happy coincidence.

ETA: if you are looking for a sample menu, you can find one here.

High School Part II

I told you! It was a two list day on Thursday.

Top Ten Things About High School That Have Changed
10. The Principal's announcements that you could never understand over the speaker have been replaced by live TV broadcasts, with music videos, by the students.
9. Chalkboards have been replaced by dry erase white boards.
8. Every teacher has a computer projector so they can teach with powerpoint presentations or video clips.
7. The teachers are younger than you. Well, me.
6. No gang members to rush past, eyes averted. (At least in SCV).
5. Student telephones ring in their backpacks, at least two per class.
4. Emails sent to the teachers keep popping up on the screen, very distracting.
3. Instead of 6 or 7 periods a day, there are 2 hours blocks of classes.
2. The classrooms are painted a nice tan, instead of industrial pink which used to be thought to calm the savage beasts.
1. No driver training! The PE teachers no longer risk life and limb, for insurance purposes you have to go to a private company now.

Wedding Coordinator Roles

Well, it seems as though we at All Saints don't have the proper delgation of roles going for weddings. For future ceremonies, we will have to prepare the following:

Top Ten Wedding Coordinator Roles
10. Make sure the bathroom has toilet paper coordinator
9. Creating tulle puffy clouds along the aisle coordinator
8. Take away tulle puffy clouds along the aisle so no one trips and dies coordinator
7. Get and return the rental/borrowed equipment coordinator
6. Wedding guest housing coordinator
5. Vacuum the carpet coordinator
4. Hand out the rice coordinator
3. Sweep the rice coordinator
2. Wash the surplices coordinator
1. Hand out the programs coordinator

There are more, but I am in a rush, so I will leave it at ten and go with my first gut instincts. Normally I would have let it cook, and gone back to make the list better. But, for today, since I am in a rush, it's some low quality H2O. ;-)

Vocabulary Lesson - Media Version

In our home, we have some common sayings. We all know what they mean. When someone else says them, we are somehow happy and comforted. It's sort of like eating your mom's meatloaf.

You have probably heard us saying some of these things. You might not have understood what we mean. Some of them seem a little harsher than what we mean, especially when you don't know we are kidding. Sorry, Carsten.

This list is the version that was influenced by media. There are other lists that are home grown, that will be discussed another time.

Top Ten Mski Family Vocabulary Phrases, Media Version

10. "Shut up! shut up, shut up, shut up!" School of Rock
Used by Luke to be a peacemaker when people argue in the house.
9. "You not the funny." Miscellaneous Comic Show
Korean comedian described his father's constant statements. As in, "you know why the chicken cross the road? because you telling jokes on the other side. and you not the funny!" Used when someone is ...not the funny.
8. "Fool!" Gabriel Iglesias in Concert
An endearing term used in conversation with a close comrade, to create a false sense of separation between two intimate associates.
7. "Hit me as hard as you can" Fight Club
Usually used in the same paragraph as the name of one of the WORMs.
6. "Pikachu!" Pokemon
Used when one is frustrated and mad, with arms raised and body shaking.
5. "I make this black suit look good." Men in Black
Used when one is especially happy about or defensive regarding their appearance.
4. "Do not play with magic you do not understand, Giant." The Indian in the Cupboard
Used when trying to keep someone from doing something.3. "That's funny stuff right there, I don't care who you are." Larry The Cable Guy
Used when others are trying not to laugh at something funny you have said.
2. "That's some high quality H2O". Waterboy
A compliment, as in "that's excellent."

1. "And that's another reason I hate France." Curious Incident of a Dog in the Night
Used at random times when complaining about something, usually with no previous mention of a first event to warrant the "another".

And One More Thing...

If someone makes a top eleven list, but they repeat one item, http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=11693475&postID=112921741276892111, then doesn't that mean that it's a top ten list????????????

Audiobooks

Our family likes audiobooks when we go on vacation. When you are in the middle of a nice 5 hour or 15 drive, an audiobook helps keep the driver awake, if it's a good one. It also entertains us and gives us a common set of phrases for the next year.

For example, if you hang around our house enough, you'll hear someone shout "Evelyn, my butt hurts." That's from the NPR Audiobook I Thought My Father was God http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0805067140/002-4257715-8054458?v=glance&n=283155&v=glance. You will also hear "and that's another reason why I hate France" said at inappropriate moments. That's from The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0385512104/002-4257715-8054458?v=glance&n=283155&v=glance. By the way, Curious Incident is a great book which has a lot of numbered lists.

Those two were probably the biggest hits.

Books that I liked but no one else really did include: Garrison Keillor (various tapes), and the Mitford series, http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/014025448X/002-4257715-8054458?v=glance&n=283155&v=glance which talks about Father Tim the Episcopalian priest in a small town in North Carolina, and has a lot of discussion about cake.

One that was a big drag this year was Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316143464/002-4257715-8054458?v=glance&n=283155&v=glance. It started off OK, but when it got to some pretty explicit child homosexual issues we had to abort the mission. Not appropriate for a family drive to Idaho!

I would have liked to do this subject in the format of a nice orderly list, maybe of say, ten. Unfortunately, I don't have ten items to discuss. I think it would have been a much more effective post if I had ten items. Also, my husband counted and so far I have made nine top ten lists. That makes me very nervous. Gotta make another one so it's a nice round number.

Ten items works, people! No more maligning the ten! Ten on!!

Rock Star

And that's another reason why I love country music - the music of America, the music that is not rap, the music where you can understand the words, the music with good singers and the music that ruins your makeup on the way to work because you are boo hooing to a schmaltzy lyric expressly made to pull fake emotion out of you:

(Gee, that could easily have evolved into a top ten list, but I digress...)

Probably three of the last five times Naomi and I have gotten into the car together, this song is playing:

She's Somebody's Hero - sung and maybe written by Jamie O'Neal

She's never pulled anyone from a burning building
She's never rocked Central Park to a half a million fans, screaming out her name
She's never hit a shot to win the game
She's never left her footprints on the moon
She's never made a solo hot air balloon ride, around the world,
No, she's just your everyday average girl

(but)She's somebody's hero
A hero to her baby with a skinned up knee
A little kiss is all she needs
The keeper of the cheerios
The voice that brings Snow White to life
Bedtime stories every night
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

The song continues on... but really that's about all I need to hear. Actually, I just pretty much stop listening after "She's never rocked Central Park to a half a million fans, screaming out her name". At that point, I like to point to Naomi and tell her "yet."

What happened to my plans of being a rock star? That was why, growing up, I never paid attention to learning how to clean house. I always assumed my entourage would hire someone to take care of that.

Top Ten Reasons Joann is not a Rock Star

10. Downloading is taking a big bite out of recording contracts/salaries.
9. Extra weight left over from four pregnancies.
8. Touring schedule is difficult for a working mom.
7. Can't wear the scary clothing (see "Mrs. Priest": http://joannmski.blogspot.com/2005_09_01_joannmski_archive.html)
6. Forgot to be a rock star at the age of 22, which is the proper age.
5. I don't like the small planes and buses, which often crash.
4. Current last name is not a good stage name.
3. Don't want to shoot smack, take crack, or do anything else ending in ack.
2. Lack of talent, a small deterrent.
1. Papparazzi is annoying.

A Hick Town

I have received a complaint from the readership of this blog that my top ten lists should be in backwards order. This post was already drafted a while ago; in future posts I will try to remember to do a countdown from 10 to 1.-----

Castaic is a funny place. I grew up in a place that had a lot more diversity, was much older and established. It was more dangerous (crime-wise) and the weather was more temperate.

I have lived in Castaic for six years now. I think I've adjusted to it. I feel a little sad that my parents never even knew of or visited where we now live, they died before we moved. There is a great quality of life here - good public schools, nice neighborhoods, lower cost of living than most other places, and large homes. I have really learned to love the place.

Castaic is different than some other places. When you heard a helicopter in Gardena, we would lock the doors and windows because a helicopter meant the police were looking for someone running through the neighborhood. Here, you check to make sure your neighborhood isn't on fire.

Top Ten Reasons You Know You're in Castaic

1. Your neighbor, your other neighbor, and you drive an SUV.
2. Your dog escapes and someone brings it back to your house (darn).
3. Every sports team in town is called the Cougars.
4. Every time you drive up Hillcrest, and you see someone walking, you ask your kids who the pedestrian is, and they tell you.
5. You can leave your bicycle outside, your car unlocked, and your garage door open all night and nothing happens.
6. You know what and when the Love Ride is.
7. Your neighborhood has wild bunnies, coyotes, snakes, or quail.
8. You know who "Running Man," "Filipino Walking Lady" and "Fu Manchu" are.
9. Your friends and family drive at least an hour to get to you and have to complain about the drive for an hour after they arrive.
10. You recognize the alert and lock your doors when the Pitchess Detention Center alarm goes off.

Tropical Island Food

If I were to be stuck on an island, it would have to be a tropical island and not a desert island, since I don't like the desert. Anyway, if you were stuck on an island, and had to eat the same things every day, you'd have to pick things that you would never tire of, and could love consistently. You wouldn't want to pick something like a bacon wrapped hot dog with grilled onions and peppers, you couldn't eat that little number every day. Here's what mine would be:

Breakfast
Of course, there must be great coffee, along with Special K with Berries. This cereal is great. It is really addicting. It's like crack. At least I have been told that crack is very addicting, I'm not sure.
Runner up: Egg Mcmuffin.
2nd runner up: Hard boiled eggs with soy sauce.

Lunch
The very best lunch of all time is tuna sandwich on wheat with potato chips and Coke Zero.
Runner up: Bean and cheese burrito
2nd runner up: Quarter Pounder w/Cheese, fries and Diet Coke

Snack
Fresh Peach
Runner up: baby carrots

Appetizer
Cream cheese with cocktail sauce on top, served with plain Carr's water crackers
Runner up: Pita with hummus
2nd runner up: Monterey Jack cheese and water crackers

Cocktails
Crane Lake Cabernet
Runner up: Gin and Albertson's brand diet tonic (much better than Schweppes)
2nd runner up: Limeade margaritas

Dinner
Chili on top of rice. Green salad on the side.
Runner up: Chicken broccoli casserole, and rice (yup, for the rice stomach).
2nd runner up: Spaghetti with Classico Four Cheese sauce made with ground beef, salad and garlic bread.

Dessert
Chocolate ice cream
Runner up: Strawberry shortcake
2nd runner up: Cake

I think that's probably too much food to eat on a daily basis. But it would be OK, because no one else would see me on the island and I could grow in peace.

Prison

When I am in my home office, I look out over the beautiful Castaic valley. There are lovely hills, and trees, and homes all over. In the far distance is the Pitchess Detention Center.

Are the prisoners looking back? What does the valley look like from their perspective?

I don't think it would be good to be in prison. Please note, I have titled this list "ten reasons..." not "top ten reasons..." because I don't understand the prison experience well enough to know the true misery of being there. Here are just some observations from outside the Big House. From a person who has never visited The Pokey. My sympathies, and no disrespect intended, to those who have been in The Slammer.

Ten Reasons It Would be Bad to be in Prison

1. You have to eat bruised fruit.
2. Same clothes, every day.
3. Jailhouse orange is not very flattering.
4. People aren't nice.
5. Not much privacy.
6. Guards are in charge of your schedule. I like to be in charge of my own schedule.
7. They make you exercise an hour a day.
8. You can't use sharp objects. That would really make scrapbooking tough.
9. I don't smoke, so I wouldn't have any prison currency.
10. You might have to work in the prison laundry and do laundry for everyone. That would not be prison, it would be hell.

Conference Calls

In my line of work, we have a lot of conference calls. Sometimes you have to be fully engaged, like when you are talking to clients about candidates. Sometimes, you can listen without paying attention too much - like when you are on a gigantic practice call, and they are giving an update on things happening at the firm.

Top Ten Things To Do On a Conference Call

1. Catch up on email.
2. Clean your desk.
3. Pay bills (psych! as if I would do that).
4. Look at People magazine, and funny celebrity websites (www.gofugyourself.com)
5. Go internet shopping, fill up your cart, and never order the items.
6. Read and comment on blogs, or draft some entries.
7. Electronic photo cropping, and ordering photos on Shutterfly.
8. Prepare Sunday bulletin.
9. Make a scrapbook page.
10. Email other people on the call making fun of the person speaking.